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Commentary
AGING WELL: Keeping it all in the family Missy Buchanan, Jul 29, 2010
By Missy Buchanan Special Contributor
The young bride looked in the mirror one last time before walking down the aisle. She smoothed her dress, picked up her bouquet, then turned and grinned at her father.
Not far away the groom excitedly paced back and forth, waiting for the signal that it was time to walk out behind the minister.
Outside the guests sat in wheelchairs and cushy lawn chairs under a large canopy. They were residents of Pine Oaks Assisted Living in Tennessee where the bride’s grandmother, 91-year-old Evelyn Buchanan (no relation), lives.
Soon a sea of gray heads turned to watch the beautiful bride and her father walk down the sidewalk, a makeshift aisle for this special ceremony.
Actually, it wasn’t the first time the couple had met at the altar to say their vows. Just a few weeks before, they had been married in a different state. The elderly grandmother had been unable to make the trip because of physical limitations.
Even so, the bride and groom were anxious to include their elderly loved one in their special event. They decided that a second wedding at the assisted living center would be the next best thing.
When a friend told me about the sweet gesture the young couple had made it reminded me of my own daughter’s dilemma that involved my aging parents almost five years ago.
After college, she had taken a job in California, some 1,500 miles from our Texas home. Once she and her future husband became engaged, they struggled with the decision about where to get married.
Much of their decision hinged on whether or not her Texas grandparents would be able to attend. Though they had participated in my son’s wedding six years earlier, their health and energy had greatly diminished during the time that had passed.
After talking with my parents, I explained to my daughter that they were no longer comfortable with large crowds or leaving their home for more than a few hours. Having digested the news, she decided on an outdoor venue in a California vineyard.
Still both of us were struggling with the emotional push-pull involving my parents. We were excited about the upcoming wedding, but sad that they would not be able to share in it.
I kept turning over the situation in my mind, trying to come up with a way that would help all of us feel that special family connection on her wedding day.
Several months before the wedding, I purchased a small two-sided glass locket. On one side, I placed a tiny photo of my parents taken at their engagement party in 1941. The other side held a more recent photo.
On my daughter’s wedding day, she carried a bouquet of calla lilies with the locket dangling from the ribbon.
Once she stood with her groom at the altar, she was given a wooden hand-cross that her grandparents had given to her for her wedding day. During the months leading up to the wedding, they had held the cross in their own hands and had prayed over her and her upcoming marriage.
Even though they couldn’t attend in person, they would still be a part of her special day.
The point is, helping frail older loved ones to feel a part of family celebrations is important to the well-being of the entire family, not just the older generation.
The bride who married at the assisted living center says hosting the ceremony in front of her grandmother and friends gave her great joy. It just takes a little creative effort and a lot of love to keep it all in the family.
Ms. Buchanan, a member of FUMC Rockwall, Texas, is the author of Talking with God in Old Age (Upper Room Books). Visit her Facebook page, Aging and Faith.
Several months before the wedding, I purchased a small two-sided glass locket. On one side, I placed a tiny photo of my parents taken at their engagement party in 1941. The other side held a more recent photo.
