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Commentary
AGING WELL: What to tell grown children about aging grandparents Missy Buchanan, Feb 18, 2010
Missy Buchanan
By Missy Buchanan Special Contributor
A 27-year-old man recently wrote to me about a difficult situation with his middle-aged mother and his elderly grandparents. His mother is a single woman whose only sibling lives abroad. She is also a caregiver for both her parents, including a mother who has progressive dementia.
The young man, an only child who lives several states away from his family, said he feels mixed emotions every time his mother calls to tell him about her latest woes.
He confesses he gets irritated when his mother interrupts his workday with a barrage of phone calls or text messages. He knows she is venting frustration, but he feels helpless. He also struggles with the guilt of feeling impatient with his mother and living so far away.
They are a family of three generations who love God and each other, but something in the relationship is not working. He asks what his role should be in the situation.
I can empathize with the mother’s dilemma. As my own parents grew frail, there were tough issues to face. Unlike the mother in this story, I have a brother and sister who helped shoulder those decisions.
Still, it was up to me to decide what to tell my young-adult children about their grandparents’ decline. Two of my three children live on different coasts, in opposite time zones. All are busy professionals with lives of their own. Yet they loved my parents deeply and wanted very much to be kept in the loop.
For me, the tough issue was how much to say and when to say it. It is not always an easy call.
When my 92-year-old mother was in the hospital, I alerted my grown children that the end was edging closer. Moments later, my son-in-law from California called. Even though my daughter knew her grandmother had been hospitalized and was not doing well, my message hit her like an emotional brick. She was over a thousand miles away, feeling helpless.
She was so upset that she had her husband call while she tried to pull herself together again. Then came the questions. Should she fly home right then? Should she wait?
Anyone who has had a loved one in a near-death situation understands that those are difficult answers to give. None of us knows God’s precise timetable. It turned out that my mother’s diminished state was partly due to medication. She lived for a while longer and my daughter was able to get home to see her.
The point is, end-of-life situations are fluid. There’s no rulebook. Parents of young-adult children should be careful not to expect them to take on the role of an equal. Think carefully about what to say and when to say it.
Yet on the other hand, young adults should not be shielded from the difficulties of aging. These are opportunities for them to mature spiritually as they embrace the reality of their loved ones’ condition.
In the young man’s situation, his mother desperately needs a support system of friends or fellow caregivers who will allow her to vent without overburdening her son. She needs to weigh the urgency of each situation, especially if it means constantly interrupting her son’s work environment. Perhaps she can update him at a predetermined time—and without saturating him with every detail.
It’s vital for the mother and son to have honest dialogue. Even grown children who live faraway may need to be prepared for the physical and mental changes that they will see in their older loved ones.
Bottom line, it’s a matter of grace. Young adults need to extend grace to their parents, knowing they won’t get it right all the time. Parents should extend grace to their young-adult children, understanding they need to establish their own identity while staying connected to the family.
It’s really nothing we don’t already know. Sometimes life is messy, but in its messiness, God works to make us strong.
Ms. Buchanan, a member of FUMC Rockwall, Texas, is the author of the new release Talking with God in Old Age: Meditations and Psalms (Upper Room Books).
Missy Buchanan
