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Q & A
Q&A: Helping single moms survive the holidays Mary Jacobs, Dec 22, 2009
Lela Gilbert
Holidays aren’t easy for mothers raising children on their own, says Lela Gilbert, author of On Our Own: Help and Hope for Single Moms (NavPress, 2007). Whether single due to death, divorce, military deployment or other circumstances, single moms face the usual stresses as well as feelings of loss and isolation at Christmas time.
Ms. Gilbert spoke recently to staff writer Mary Jacobs.
Why are holidays especially hard for single parents? First, emotionally, it’s a very sensitive time. Lots of buttons get pushed by music and smells in the air and nostalgia. Two, it’s very expensive. Three, the holidays often require separation from children. A lot of moms find themselves alone on Christmas Day, or at least part of the day, when the other parent has visitation rights and the kids aren’t there to share it with them.
What’s especially hard for moms as compared to dads or other family members affected by a divorce or a death? Generally it falls on the mom to make everything come together during the holidays. Maybe that’s a generalization, but a lot of times mom is the one who takes the kids to get the presents and who makes sure everything’s ready. That leads to an even more alienated feeling when everything is done and you are still by yourself or you’re feeling on the outside.
How can a single mom deal with the feelings of loss and nostalgia? It comes down to the half-empty or half-full glass. For me, I try to find a way to make everything really nice with the kids. Then I just spend time with my friends and try to find some joy in other kinds of celebrations. It doesn’t work to try to reach into the past. You just have to make new memories and make other people happy. Sometimes that’s the best way to get over your own sadness.
What about the times when a single mom doesn’t have the kids with her? Those are the times when you can really seek to talk to God, read his Word and find an anchor there. Not just try to pretend nothing’s wrong, but to go to God with your heartache and pour it out to him. Ask for help, ask for guidance and ask God to bless the kids. I think that’s what the opportunity is sometimes in our deepest heartaches, that we do turn to God and we do seek him with all our hearts, that’s when we find God.
In planning the holidays, what special steps should a single parent be sure to include? First, I would caution moms against trying to spend money to make everything OK. It’s a real risk at the holidays to try to outspend dad or make up for the loss by spending too much. It’s not about the material gifts. I would really caution them about that temptation. Other than that, plan to be with other people and just get through it. If you’ve got extended family, that’s the best place to go. It’s a tough situation. There’s no magic way to fix it.
How can churches make single moms feel welcome and supported? Some single moms really have a hard time going to church after divorce. Frankly, single moms aren’t always as welcome in some churches. Some preach against divorce. I’m not saying that’s wrong, but single moms can feel rejected by certain teachings in the church.
I have seen churches really make an effort to reach out. At one church that I attended for awhile, every few weeks the men in the church would do things to help out single moms, like changing the oil in their cars. The church also organized a mentoring program, in which older married couples would take a single mom with kids and adopt the family for a period of time. They really figured out how to help the moms in a formal way. I think it’s a Christian responsibility, taking care of orphans and widows. That’s what we have with this epidemic of single moms.
Holiday survival tips for single moms
Make new memories. Make sure the kids have lots of happy events to look forward to.
Determine a realistic budget and stick to it.
Send each of your children a Christmas card with a loving, personal note.
Practice gratitude. Take time for each child—and yourself—to list the “gifts of love” received in the past year.
Pray with your children and attend a holiday worship service together.
Forgive those who have hurt you and forgive yourself.
Lela Gilbert
How can a single mom deal with the feelings of loss and nostalgia? 
