Voices from the pew: Clergy find ways to cope with critics Mary Jacobs, Aug 14, 2009
2009 DESIGN PICS PHOTO
Handling criticism from church members is a major source of clergy stress, but more seminaries are providing coping skills so they avoid burnout.
By Mary Jacobs Staff writer
Your sermon was uninspiring.
Your dress is too short.
Your beard is too scruffy.
Your theology is too liberal (or too literal).
You picked all the wrong hymns.
And why, oh why, didn’t you visit poor Aunt Dolores while she was in the hospital?
Some days, a pastor must feel as if he or she can’t get anything right.
Although it’s not in the official job description, criticism comes with the territory for most United Methodist pastors—and often represents one of the toughest aspects of the job.
“Criticism” turned up as a primary source of job stress in a 2006 study by the United Methodist General Board of Pension and Health Benefits in partnership with Duke University.
“This is basically a do-or-die issue for clergy,” said Rev. John Wimberly, pastor of Western Presbyterian Church in Washington, D.C. “Those clergy who learn how to deal with criticism have happy careers; those who don’t, struggle.”
“It is difficult to hear that someone has stopped coming to church because they dislike you as their minister,” wrote one United Methodist pastor and blogger recently. “I have to say that it has consumed me at times.”
Up until recent decades, most clergy were left to figure this one out on their own. But seminaries are now becoming more proactive. Books on handling conflict and criticism have become standard reading. Internships stress dealing with people skills.
“It’s important for young clergy to be aware that, no matter how hard they work, they will be subject to criticism,” said Dr. Terry Parsons, a clinical psychotherapist and United Methodist elder who coaches pastoral interns at Perkins School of Theology. “It’s knowing how to deal with it that’s most important.”
Why are clergy often targets for criticism? Parishioners may feel a sense of ownership toward their pastor and church—and thus feel entitled to critique them.
“I think we are invited into people’s personal space, so they feel invited into ours,” said Rev. Lisa Greenwood, senior pastor of First UMC in Commerce, Texas. “Because we talk about sensitive topics from the pulpit, because we try to be kind and loving, it feels like we don’t have the same boundaries that other people do. And sometimes we don’t have great boundaries.”
To make matters worse, many clergypeople by nature are particularly sensitive to criticism.
“Personality-wise, the people entering ministry are more vulnerable to conflict than the general public,” said Bill Bryan, director of the intern program and professional formation at Perkins School of Theology. He’s tested Perkins students with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (a standard personality test), and a majority of them consistently fall within the intuitive-feeling “idealist” profile, compared to a mere 10-15 percent of the general population.
An intuitive-feeler himself, Mr. Bryan jokes that those folks “like to hold hands a little longer and sing Kum Ba Yah two more times.” Facing down an angry critic doesn’t come naturally.
And he adds, “Nice is the curse of United Methodism. We will be nice even more than truthful. This makes conflict more surprising and more painful.”
Handling criticism well involves listening for useful feedback—without taking it too personally, according to Margaret J. Marcuson, an ordained American Baptist minister and church consultant based in Portland, Ore.
“To a degree, you have to let this stuff flow off you without taking it inside,” she said. “But it’s also important to pay attention.”
Her advice: Avoid getting defensive or reacting with anger. Learn to respond rather than react to gripes, complaints and critiques. Several clergy interviewed cited family systems theory, which models a “non-reactive, non-anxious presence” as a way of defusing the emotions that often surround tough conversations.
Mr. Wimberly recalled a time when he got into an angry exchange with a homeless man who’d called him names.
“As we were raising our voices even higher, I suddenly thought to myself, ‘Why am I yelling at a schizophrenic homeless man?’” Mr. Wimberly changed his tone and told the man how much he respected him; the homeless man responded in kind. The two have been friends for over 20 years.
Ms. Marcuson advises clergy to recognize when improvement is needed and apologize if it’s warranted. And she warns clergy to expect criticism whenever they take a stand as a leader or attempt to move the church in a new direction. Not only will that spark controversy, but many seemingly unrelated complaints are likely to bubble up whenever change is in the air.
“Criticism is the price you pay for leadership,” she said. “If you’re not receiving criticism, you’re probably not moving forward in the ministry.”
Finally, she advises clergy: Work on relationships with those who disagree with you. The worst thing a pastor can do is avoid or ignore critics.
“You can’t be effective in a church if you isolate your critics by cutting them out of the dialogue and the decision-making,” said Rev. Leighton Bearden, senior pastor of University Park UMC in Dallas. “I really think the key is to stay engaged with your critics.” That means not only maintaining the dialogue but also continuing to serve as their pastor in times of grief or celebration.
On the other hand, experienced clergy also caution against granting too much significance to criticism, especially when it comes from what pastors have code-named EGR parishioners (“Extra Grace Required”)—those chronic complainers or the perpetually needy.
“A squeaky wheel doesn’t always need to have as much power as we give them,” said Ms. Greenwood.
One of the most devastating and unfair forms of criticism—and unfortunately, all-too-common—comes in the form of a hateful anonymous letter. Every clergyperson can expect to receive them sometime over the course of a career.
Experts are almost unanimous on this one: Ignore them.
The Rev. Kevass Harding received a raft of anonymous, critical letters when he struggled several years ago to turn around his church, Dellrose United Methodist in Wichita, Kan. Letter writers accused him of “killing” the church and recklessly bringing “hoodlums, homeless people and drug addicts” into the congregation.
His advice: “Don’t read an anonymous letter,” he said. “Just put it in the trash. A person who is not worthy to put a name at the end of the letter it is not worthy to be read.”
Similarly, Mr. Wimberly advises clergy to refuse to respond to any criticism conveyed third-hand.
At Perkins, interns are encouraged to talk about conflicts they encounter at the churches they serve. Sharing in individual and group sessions, interns have the chance to process feelings and hone skills for effectively responding.
While it’s best not to fire back with anger, take time to “process” painful feelings that do arise with criticism, Dr. Parsons advises, by journaling or talking with a mentor or friend.
Ms. Greenwood says that a covenant group of fellow clergywomen has provided invaluable support when she’s faced criticism.
“We love each other with lots of grace through these things,” she said. “When I’m upset, better to work it out with a trusted colleague than a parishioner sitting in my office.”
Sometimes laughter helps, too.
“Getting together with other clergy to laugh about inane criticism is better than any other therapy,” said Mr. Wimberly. “Of course, we need to be careful we don’t laugh away things we should be taking seriously.”
Finally, clergy striving to face criticism more equably and wisely can turn to an all-purpose source of strength and wisdom available to all Christians: spiritual disciplines such as prayer, Scripture reading, regular Sabbath rest and accountability groups.
“It is important for a preacher to be ‘prayed up’ when conflict comes,” said Mr. Bryan. “Remembering that salvation is in Christ and not the congregation takes maintenance.”
And as difficult as criticism may be to swallow, Dr. Parsons says it’s also an opening for deeper connections.
“Wherever two or three are gathered, there will always be an issue or a problem,” he said, paraphrasing Scripture. “But working through those issues can also create some of the most meaningful times of ministry.”
2009 DESIGN PICS PHOTO
An intuitive-feeler himself, Mr. Bryan jokes that those folks “like to hold hands a little longer and sing Kum Ba Yah two more times.” Facing down an angry critic doesn’t come naturally. 
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