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'Clergy killers': Antagonists in pews pose tough problems Mary Jacobs, May 1, 2009
2009 DESIGN PICS PHOTO
“Clergy killers,” or just difficult people? Some experts hesitate over harsh labels, but all agree that “naming the problem” is key to dealing with antagonistic people in congregations.
By Mary Jacobs Staff Writer
It’s a pleasant summer Sunday morning. Worship is under way at a small United Methodist church. In the pews, there’s a couple visiting for the first time. The pastor announces upcoming events in the church.
But before he begins the next hymn, he’s interrupted. A church member jumps to his feet—and he’s angry.
“Why can’t you mention the church picnic on Thursday?” the parishioner snaps rudely.
After the service, the pastor shakes hands with the visitors as they leave.
“It was a wonderful service and the sermon was beautiful,” they tell him. “But we’ll never be back. If this is the way the congregation treats the pastor, we don’t want any part of it.”
Unfortunately, scenes like this are not only common, they’re happening more and more often, according to the Rev. Randy Kanipe, a United Methodist pastor and executive director of the Association for Stressed and Abused Clergy.
“Every pastor will deal with an antagonist sooner or later,” he said. “And pastors have not been trained to deal with these people.”
Antagonists’ behavior ranges from the occasional rude outburst to a determined, all-out campaign to discredit and even remove a pastor. While every pastor must accept a certain amount of criticism and disagreement, antagonists aren’t just critics, they’re bullies, according to Kenneth C. Haugk, author of Antagonists in the Church: How to Identify and Deal with Destructive Conflict (Augsburg Fortress Press, 1988.)
Mr. Haugk describes antagonists as those who attack selfishly, tearing down rather than building up leaders, often resorting to deceptive and manipulative means.
G. Lloyd Rediger uses an even stronger term to name the phenomenon. He’s written a book, Clergy Killers: Guidance for Pastors & Congregations Under Attack (Westminster John Knox Press, 1997.)
“It’s a kind of game that goes on in many churches, with the pastor used as a football,” he writes.
Mr. Kanipe, who is also pastor of Salem UMC in Covington, Ga., believes that antagonistic behavior helps explains the high attrition rates among clergy.
“About 90 percent of pastors currently serving in churches are not expected to remain long enough to reach retirement,” he says. “Why? Abusive and relentless congregational conflict aimed at the pastor.”
The Rev. Bill Denham, pastor of First United Methodist Church in Grapeland, Texas, believes that church members in recent years have tended to act more aggressively and are more likely to curse or raise their voices at clergy, possibly due to the overall trend of incivility in the culture. He’s experienced it himself, and he’s heard many stories from colleagues—some of whom have left the church as a result.
Andy Stoddard, pastor of First United Methodist Church in Ripley, Miss., says he watched a nearby United Methodist congregation “break the spirits” of two fellow clergy persons. “The best way to describe it is what my mom would call ‘meanness,’” he said.
The church in Mississippi no longer enjoys the stature it once had under a former, beloved pastor. When new pastors arrived, Mr. Stoddard says, the church chewed them up and spit them out. At one point, the congregation insisted that one of the pastors—a hardworking self-starter, he says—account for every minute of his working day. Church members criticized the other pastor for spending “too much time” with his wife, who was pregnant.
Churches like this are rare, Mr. Stoddard believes. But individual antagonists?
“Oh sure,” he says. “Every pastor will have to deal with someone who is out to get them.”
Who are antagonists? Some are members who contribute a lot of money. Some are long-time members in the church with a lot of influence. Some are angry because the pastor is shaking things up and making too many changes; others dislike a pastor who is not sufficiently “dynamic” or is unwilling to work unreasonably long hours.
More often, Mr. Kanipe says, the antagonist is someone that other members of the church have gotten into the habit of excusing.
“It’s like the drunk uncle nobody wants to talk about,” he said. “People are willing to dismiss or excuse or ignore the drunk uncle, even if he becomes destructive toward other people.”
The Rev. Anna Hosemann-Butler, pastor of First United Methodist Church in Sachse, Texas, looks at a broader picture—a “systems understanding”—to best deal with an antagonist in the congregation.
“About 99 percent of the time, the conflict is really not the source of the conflict,” she said. “Folks who are antagonistically troublesome represent a problem in the relationships in the church. We have to step back and say, ‘What is the state of the system of interrelationships, and what’s driving that?’”
Unresolved grief and anxiety about the church or life in general often fuels antagonistic behavior, she says. The church that Mr. Stoddard described, for example, is located in a community that’s declining economically, and anger about that turned on the pastors. Individual antagonists, Mr. Haugk says, typically have a “parallel track record”—instances of antagonistic behavior in other areas of life, such as the workplace.
“If someone brags, ‘I really put it to him. I’m making his life a living hell,’ about his boss, sooner or later he’ll do the same thing in the church,” he said.
Clergy people need to heed Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 10:16—being “as shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves”—to handle antagonistic people.
Start by being cautious about using labels like “antagonist” and “clergy killer,” says Susan Nienaber, an ordained United Methodist elder and a senior consultant for the Alban Institute, an ecumenical organization that helps congregations “facing the challenges of a changing society.”
The Alban Institute “has not readily embraced the terms ‘clergy killer’ or ‘antagonists,’” Ms. Nienaber says. “The problem with these labels is that they are extraordinarily negative, and that sets up a higher level of defensiveness and reactivity.”
Pastors can even accuse dissenters of being “clergy killers” in an effort to quell legitimate concerns.
Mr. Stoddard says antagonists are part of a larger problem, too.
“Our system is great for producing scapegoats,” he said. “Sometimes it’s the church saying, ‘If we just had a preacher that was worth something, we could do something for the kingdom.’ And sometimes it’s the pastor saying, ‘If I just had a church worth something, I could do something.’ So we scapegoat instead of looking within.”
Ms. Nienaber recommends the book Never Call Them Jerks (Alban Institute, 1999) for a more evenhanded approach to handling difficult people.
Mr. Haugk, however, doesn’t like that title. “These aren’t jerks. These are evil, sick people who want to hurt.”
Whatever motives drive antagonists, all agree that laypeople play a pivotal role in limiting the damage they inflict.
“The most effective people dealing with antagonists are lay people—and not necessarily lay leaders,” Mr. Haugk said. “A non-clergy, non-staff person has tremendous power to say, ‘Enough of this. This is bad behavior.’ Tell the person that he or she is out of order.”
“You should never blindly support your pastor, but you do need to be there for him or her,” says Mr. Stoddard. “You need to say, ‘Preacher, I don’t agree with this, but I support you and appreciate you.”
Mr. Haugk says that some pastors ask church members or staff-parish committee members to read his book, which recently topped the 100,000 mark in sales. Naming the problem, he says, helps church members understand the dynamics that enable antagonists.
He says clergy often greet him at conferences with, “Your book saved my life.” On the other hand, he also gets “hate mail” from people in congregations where many members have read the book.
“The antagonist writes me and says, ‘People used to respect me in the church and now they won’t let me talk,’” he says with a chuckle. “I really enjoy that.”
Many laypeople don’t want to get involved in a fight at church and will back away from conflict. But laypeople can best squelch backbiting, gossip or destructive conflict.
Ms. Hosemann-Butler, who has trained in conflict management, says there’s a way to gently call people on griping behind the pastor’s back.
“Say, ‘Have you spoken to Pastor Anna about it? No? Then I’ll go with you and we’ll talk about it,’” she suggests. “Get it on the table, in a very non-reactive way.”
“The healthiest congregations have the lowest tolerance for bad behavior,” said Ms. Nienaber. “Healthy congregations are able to put clear, strong boundaries around people with the potential for being extremely destructive.”
For a pastor who’s under attack, experts advise getting support, keeping the district superintendent informed of the situation and taking measures of “self-care,” like counseling or a retreat. Enlist fellow clergy members for advice and prayer.
Don’t try to appease antagonists and don’t be afraid to confront them, Mr. Haugk says.
“Silence is a fertilizer for evil,” said Mr. Kanipe.
Even with the most difficult people, however, Ms. Hosemann-Butler urges pastors to try to find a way to offer mercy and compassion. “These people likely are carrying problems in their own lives that splatter up in the church,” she said.
Ms. Hosemann-Butler cites the “arbitration text” in the book of Matthew as a scriptural basis for handling conflict in the church.
“Basically, you go to your brother or sister and tell them directly if you have a problem,” she said. “If that doesn’t work, you get a third-party mediator.” If that doesn’t work, treat the person lovingly, but create distance.
And while labels should be used sparingly, Ms. Hosemann-Butler says congregations can all benefit from discussing unhealthy antagonism as well as ways to foster healthy life together.
“The more we can talk about this, the better off we are,” said Ms. Hosemann-Butler.
2009 DESIGN PICS PHOTO
Antagonists’ behavior ranges from the occasional rude outburst to a determined, all-out campaign to discredit and even remove a pastor. While every pastor must accept a certain amount of criticism and disagreement, antagonists aren’t just critics, they’re bullies, according to Kenneth C. Haugk, author of Antagonists in the Church: How to Identify and Deal with Destructive Conflict (Augsburg Fortress Press, 1988.) 
Many laypeople don’t want to get involved in a fight at church and will back away from conflict. But laypeople can best squelch backbiting, gossip or destructive conflict. 
