A hospital employee pointed to the line at the bottom of the page: “Sign here, please.” I was surprised by my own calm, considering I was about to sign a document instructing medical personnel to not use extraordinary means to extend the life of my beloved 89-year-old father. He was in ICU and his body organs were rapidly shutting down.
Though the moment was heavy, a peaceful feeling swept over me: I knew I was honoring my Dad’s request. He had a living will, and had verbalized his wishes many times. Our family was unified.
But as I completed my signature, the hospital representative startled me by saying, “It’s so rare to see a family in agreement. You should be very grateful.”
Family dynamics and faith both play out in situations surrounding our older loved ones. I was grateful for parents who had planned so well for their twilight years. It made those difficult late-in-life decisions a little easier.
I was equally appreciative of my siblings. Despite living 200 miles away, they visited frequently, providing encouragement for our parents and relief for me as the caregiver.
But all families are not alike. Many are a tangled mess of conflict and pain.
Dysfunctional families are nothing new. The Bible is full of stories about fractured families. But Scripture also holds amazing stories of restoration, forgiveness and grace.
Recently I sat with a friend whose mother was dying. Tears trickled down her face as she shared painful stories of her family. Decades of unresolved issues had eroded relationships. There was no trust or unity, no comfort or support. And sadly, faith was not a common thread to pull her family together.
My friend struggled with how to respond as a Christian. Her grief was accompanied by an overwhelming fear of having to interact with certain family members. Even as an adult child, she was suffocating from intimidation. Her eyes filled with heartbreak and dread.
She wondered aloud how she could be a peacemaker as Christ calls us to be. Should she be passive about decisions being made for her mother? Was she to give in to keep peace at all costs? How could she be more Christ-like in a terribly splintered family?
These are grueling questions, especially when family relationships are severely strained. And let me be blunt. Not all older adults would win awards for having been model parents. For years, my friend had a front-row seat to parental intimidation and drama. She was anxious to provide a better model for her own family, but how?
Every situation is different, but I believe there are things we can do to help manage family conflict in a godly way:
* Pray. Prayer can help diffuse an emotionally charged situation. Hold hands and pray as a family. Hearts are humbled when heads are bowed around a bedside. Ask for forgiveness, healing and direction. Vent your frustrations and fears to God when you’re alone. Prayer and Scripture gave my friend courage to deal with others.
* Have honest, but kind conversation with family members. Remember, it’s not your job to change people. Telling the truth in love is not license for revenge. Focus on what’s best for your older loved one. Refuse to rehash the same old stories. Encourage dialogue before there’s a crisis. Seek professional counseling when needed.
* Take the high road. You always have a choice about how to behave. None of us gets it right all the time, but by God’s grace we are not bound by our past. My friend discovered that peace is not the absence of conflict: It came the moment she refused to sip from the cup of bitterness and took the high road even when others did not.
It’s likely that one day we will each stand with family at the bedside of a loved one. As Christians, we have an opportunity to show grace under pressure.
Take the high road. Get a glimpse of heaven.
Ms. Buchanan, a member of FUMC Rockwall, Texas, is the author of Living with Purpose in a Worn Out Body (Upper Room Books). Web site: www.missybuchanan.com.
© 2008 DESIGN PICS
Ms. Buchanan, a member of FUMC Rockwall, Texas, is the author of Living with Purpose in a Worn Out Body (Upper Room Books). Web site: 
