UMR Communications is offering the latest headlines in the RSS format.
Q & A
Q&A: Couple offers hope after infidelity Mary Jacobs, Mar 1, 2010
Statistics show that infidelity will affect at least one in every four married couples. But an affair is not an automatic death sentence for the marriage, say authors Gary and Mona Shriver.
The Shrivers wrote Unfaithful: Hope and Healing after Infidelity (David C. Cook, 2009) to share what they learned after piecing their marriage back together in the wake of infidelity. They also co-founded Hope & Healing Ministries, an adultery recovery peer support ministry.
Married 33 years, the Shrivers have three grown sons. They recently spoke with staff writer Mary Jacobs.
Many Christian couples, I’m sure, have dealt with situations of infidelity, but not many are willing to talk about their experiences. Why share yours? GARY: In 1993, I confessed to Mona that I was having an affair. Obviously, it was an extreme trauma to our relationship. One of the first things we asked: Did we know of anybody who’d ever made it through this? Society says infidelity is a death sentence to a relationship. We wanted to know that wasn’t the case. We had wonderful support from our senior pastor and a great Christian counselor. Still, when we asked for a couple to talk to us—someone who’d been there, who could tell us that we could have trust and love again—no one would sit down with us. Later, our counselor asked if we would be that couple for someone else. At that point we realized why people don’t come forward. It would mean we’d have rip those scabs off, which were still fresh two years later.
MONA: But we also remembered how desperate we were to meet a couple that had “been there.” So we agreed to meet with the other couple. Even though our situations were quite different, we could see the similarities. Recovering from infidelity is like a grieving process. Meeting together helped them and helped us. Later the four of us agreed to lead a support group. Eventually we decided to share our story in a book.
I’ve read about how traumatizing it is for a spouse who doesn’t suspect anything and then learns there’s an affair. I’ve heard the response compared to post-traumatic stress syndrome. Why? MONA: First, the unsuspecting spouse is shocked. Then you feel like an idiot, because, of course, every husband and wife knows when the other is lying. So you say to yourself, “I’m so stupid, I’ve been played for a fool.” Then you go through a grieving process. Post-traumatic stress syndrome is a compilation of behaviors lasting longer than a short period. Well, that’s just normal for adultery recovery. It is such a huge wound. Once I heard a woman on a Christian radio program who had survived a WWII concentration camp. All of her family members were killed and tortured. She managed to survive, got married and then her husband left her for another woman. She said that her husband leaving her was the worst thing that ever happened to her. And yeah, I understand that.
In the case of adultery, divorce is permissible. When can a marriage survive and when can it not? MONA: Two things are necessary if the marriage is going to have a chance: Both must be willing to try and both must be transparently honest. Keep in mind, the person who commits the adultery never thought they’d be there. They didn’t wake up one morning and say, “I’m going to destroy my marriage and have an affair.” It was a set of circumstances that led them down that path.
From the start, Gary was the epitome of the repentant sinner, but many times the offending spouse may not be sure what he or she wants. There’s ambiguity. It takes time for that trauma to settle down. We tell couples that the end of the story is not told for some time. But if you have a consistently dishonest spouse then you need to make some serious choices.
Typically, a therapist will want the person who is the unfaithful spouse to stay “clean” for six weeks—to have no contact with the other partner. There are some biochemical things that happen in the brain during an affair. It’s almost like an addiction. Once you get away from that and reality sets in, you realize you want your relationship and your family back.
I read that you don’t like to hear couples say that their marriage is “better than ever” after healing from an affair. GARY: It negates what you had before. Mona and I had a good marriage. We were friends. But after the affair, we started to get to levels of intimacy and trust that make our relationship better. Is the relationship better? Well, we are better people and we pay attention to each other. Before, we took each other for granted. Now we are being the husband and wife that God called us to be.
Do you have any advice for someone who’s in a fairly strong marriage? GARY: There are danger signs for when a friendship with someone of the opposite sex may be turning into something more. When you’re in a relationship at work, you’re “just friends” and “it’s only a lunch,” then you start this justification. You think just because it’s not physical, it’s OK. It’s not! If you’re feeling attracted to another person of the opposite sex, you need share it with your spouse right away. Once it’s out in the light, it can’t live in the light. And your spouse can keep you accountable.
MONA: We do not believe in intimate friendships with people of the opposite sex. Friends are of the same gender, or they are couple friendships. It’s just not worth the risk.
Any advice for pastors in terms of how the church can be more proactive in this issue? MONA: One of the things that the church can do is admit it’s a problem. At least 25 percent of married couples have experienced adultery or will experience it. That’s a lot of people. So the church I think is in denial.
GARY: When we cite this figure to pastors, many say, “Well, where are they?” They’re sitting in the pews with smiles on their faces and they are imploding at home. It’s the couple that disappears and then you hear about why later—they’re getting a divorce. The severity of the trauma isn’t understood. A couple might come to a pastor after infidelity. It becomes a “forgiveness issue,” and soon the pastor sees them back in the congregation, holding hands, talking about how their relationship is the best it’s ever been. Be aware that these people are still in shock, and it’s a long process. So make a note on your calendar to check in six months down the road.
What do you mean by process? MONA: A big part boils down to the difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness is a choice I make. It’s me deciding I don’t determine the justice. But that is not trust. The rebuilding of trust takes a lot of time and a lot of energy. Sometimes the offending spouse will say, “If [the other spouse] could just forgive me we could move on.” What they’re really talking about is trust, and that’s going to take a long time to rebuild. If I lend my car to someone, and they go out and wreck the car, I can forgive that debt, not make them pay to replace the car. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to hand the person the keys to my new car.
GARY: But the process can work. We can now say with absolute sincerity that we have fully healed from the adultery. Our marriage is strong and mutually satisfying. We have love and trust. We have seen this over and over again.
I’ve read about how traumatizing it is for a spouse who doesn’t suspect anything and then learns there’s an affair. I’ve heard the response compared to post-traumatic stress syndrome. Why? 
