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Commentary
AGING WELL: When older adults are difficult Missy Buchanan, Jan 14, 2010
Missy Buchanan
By Missy Buchanan Special Contributor
Not long ago, I sat with an older-adult friend at his senior residence center. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw an elderly man I didn’t recognize zip his power chair into an empty place at the opposite end of the long table where we were sitting.
The man began talking in a loud voice and waving his hands. To be honest, I was so engaged in our conversation that I didn’t pay much attention to what the other man was saying. Then I saw him crook his finger in my direction as if he was commanding a misbehaving child. It took me a moment to realize he had been trying to get my attention.
I confess I was a little frightened. I had never met this man, but I was pretty sure he was the new resident that others had warned me about: Beware—this new guy is selfish and demanding.
It began to sink in that this man assumed I was an employee of the residence center. He was making quite a fuss, insisting that I stop my conversation, go to the office and pick up a package that had been delivered for him.
I was initially relieved to think that it had been a case of mistaken identity. But the more I thought about the elderly man’s bad behavior, the more I realized that it shouldn’t have mattered if I was an employee or not. He had been demeaning and rude.
Not wanting to add fuel to the fire, however, I went to the center’s office and returned a few minutes later with the older man’s package. I gave it to him and smiled politely, though my heart did not feel very gracious.
I admit I didn’t know this man’s circumstances. Maybe he was in a lot of pain that day. Maybe he’d just received some bad news. Or maybe he was behaving as he had for most of his life. What I do know for sure is that, regrettably, some older adults are difficult and unpleasant. The challenge is how to respond with a spirit of love and faithfulness.
Though my own elderly parents did not display such difficult behavior, my inbox has been jammed with notes from adult children who want to know how to respond as Christians to the negative behavior patterns of their elderly parents. They want to know how to show respect for troubled elders without embracing the negative behaviors or getting caught in guilt traps.
One Baby Boomer wrote about his wheelchair-bound father who is in denial about his own physical limitations. Against medical advice, the older man insists on living by himself. He refuses to even discuss some good-sense solutions that would provide him greater safety and security.
Likewise, a 62-year-old woman described the fear she feels every time she tries to talk to her frail 92-year-old mother about the needs of her 93-year-old father with Alzheimer’s. According to the daughter, the elder woman pitches a “hissy fit,” insisting she can care for her ailing husband all by herself.
Another frazzled reader expressed her frustration with an elderly parent who regularly sabotages her attempts at compassionate help. Her elderly mother’s response makes her want to throw up her hands and give up.
In each situation I could sense the conflicted feelings of the adult children. It’s not just family members who are impacted by disagreeable older adults. Many good-natured older adults have to share dining tables in senior residences with disgruntled neighbors. Care professionals, medical staff and church leaders also become collateral damage of the nasty tempers and controlling behavior of troubled older adults.
So how are we to fulfill the biblical mandate of honoring aging parents if the parent’s behavior is selfish and self-destructive?
The Rev. Terry Parsons, an ordained United Methodist minister and practicing psychotherapist, affirms the feelings of frustration, anger and guilt that many grown children of difficult parents have. He says that while we are called to give all the good care we can—even to difficult parents—family members must also care for themselves physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He reminds adult children to continually pray for the parent and also to seek help in letting go of hurt or resentment.
Dr. Parsons also points out that the church has an important role in helping support and encourage grown children of aging parents, troubled or not. Even under the best circumstances, navigating the landscape of aging is hard.
Many churches, like my own, are trying to address this growing need through community-wide seminars that bring together professionals in eldercare. As the church, we must not wait to get involved. The need is expanding at a dizzying pace.
So what can you do if you are an adult child with a difficult aging parent? Pray. Forgive. Be honest about your feelings. And lean on your community of faith.
Bottom line: When it comes to dealing with older difficult older loved ones, there is only one thing you can really control—you.
Ms. Buchanan, a member of FUMC Rockwall, Texas, is the author of the upcoming release Talking with God in Old Age: Meditations and Psalms (Upper Room Books).
Missy Buchanan
Though my own elderly parents did not display such difficult behavior, my inbox has been jammed with notes from adult children who want to know how to respond as Christians to the negative behavior patterns of their elderly parents. They want to know how to show respect for troubled elders without embracing the negative behaviors or getting caught in guilt traps. 
