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Commentary
COMMENTARY: A preacher rants on weddings Jay Voorhees, Apr 16, 2009
Jay Voorhees
By Jay Voorhees Special Contributor
In a recent fit of pique I commented on Twitter that I was thinking about not officiating at weddings for any couple under the age of 25! I received all sorts of comments from folks who had married young and had vital and loving marriages, and who found my comments less than inspiring.
I admit I was tired. I had just come from a wedding rehearsal with 27 people in the bridal party. Trying to lead a wedding like that is like trying to herd cats.
I acknowledge my own frustration (and wish the bride and groom many happy years!), but it affirmed my experience that the younger the participants, the more likely it is that the wedding will be large and expensive. Younger couples are much more likely to see their relationship through rose-colored glasses and believe that the size of the event is somehow a symbol of their love. And they are often not the ones paying for it.
As one who believes that baptism is the primary sacrament of grace and the rite of initiation into the community of the church, I find it troubling that we spend so much time and resources affirming the covenant of marriage, yet are often rather skimpy in how we celebrate the giving of God’s grace in baptism to an individual.
The rhetoric of bridal magazines and professional wedding planners suggests that the wedding day is all about the couple. In a secular context, perhaps that’s true, but when one gets married in the church, one much recognize that this ceremony is ultimately about what God is doing between this couple.
To be married in the Church is to celebrate the power of God’s grace in the lives of the couple as they promise lifelong fidelity to one another in the midst of a supportive community of faith, which pledges as well to help and support them in the keeping of their covenant.
Early in my ministry, I didn’t fully understand when colleagues seemed less than excited about officiating at weddings. Now I know: They recognized that very often we are simply stage props in a fairy-tale world.
If you are planning on marrying soon, I ask you to take a few minutes to think about the theological significance and meaning of the act you are about to engage in. Here are a few practical suggestions:
The pastor is your friend in this, but the pastor also takes this task seriously. My role is to help you think about the significance of what you are about to do and to provide resources to help your marriage flourish. Any requirement your pastor may have about marriage counseling is not a mere formality; it is an opportunity to take advantage of a person who has experience and training in dealing with relationships. Take it seriously, for your pastor has invested time and energy to be a resource for your marriage.
The pastor is a professional whose time and energy should be respected. The pastor and the congregation are the only parts of the wedding that you can’t do without. You don’t have to have musicians, flowers, fancy clothes or special decorations. But in a church context, you need only the bride and groom, the congregation to witness to the making of the covenant and the pastor to officiate.
So why not show some respect for your pastor’s schedule? I hear folks say they are taking off work to meet with the caterer or the florist, but if the pastor calls to set up a time for counseling, the couple will say they can’t get off work and need to meet in the evening. Work your personal schedule around your pastor’s. Treat him or her with respect.
The pastor doesn’t do this for money, but . . . Folks often ask me what I “charge” for a wedding. Some of my colleagues have a set fee, but I believe that officiating at weddings is part of my duties as an appointed pastor and leave the gift of an honorarium up to the couple.
That said, one should take into consideration the amount of time and energy the pastor invests in preparing for the wedding: four to six hours of wedding counseling, more time scoring personality inventories and planning the service, several hours directing the rehearsal, and a couple of hours on the day of the wedding. If it’s a small church like mine, the pastor is also involved in tidying up the sanctuary for Sunday’s worship.
Think in terms of what you are paying others to help with the wedding. Remember that the pastor is the one of the three needed elements and consider offering a gift that recognizes the time and expertise he or she brings to the table.
Think seriously about what you are spending. Knowing the burden that consumerism places on society, most pastors generally hate to see resources wasted on superficial things. So when we walk into the sanctuary and see decorations that cost in the thousands of dollars, our hearts are grieved, for we know this has no lasting significance on the quality of your marriage.
The good news in 2008 is that the average cost of a wedding in the United States has declined by 24 percent; the bad news is that the average cost of a wedding, not including rings and/or honeymoon, is still just over $21,000.
I encourage you to spend wisely as you celebrate this special day, and invest in the things that are the most memorable, such as a nice dinner rather than elaborate decorations.
Understand that I do have great joy in seeing couples come together to commit themselves to one another, and I do enjoy helping these folks through this transition of life. Weddings are part of what I do, so I have a chance to think about them more than the average bear.
My prayer is that others will also take time to think about them a bit more intentionally.
The Rev. Voorhees is pastor of the Antioch United Methodist Church in Nashville, Tenn. This is an excerpt from his blog at onlywonder.com.
Jay Voorhees
