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Commentary
AGING WELL: Elderly need support in transitions Missy Buchanan, Feb 11, 2009
Missy Buchanan
By Missy Buchanan Special Contributor
Not long ago I watched a 90-year-old man stoop to hug a fellow resident of the senior center where he had lived for more than a decade. Behind thick glasses, tears trickled down his cheek.
In an hour, he would be moving to another care facility, leaving behind friends that had become family. Though 25 miles was not that far, without transportation, it might as well have been a thousand.
When it was my turn to bid him a farewell, he whispered in my ear that he didn’t want to move. His daughter thought it best that he live close to her, and he was determined to make the best of the situation.
I could almost see him trying to pull himself up by his bootstraps. With a quivering voice, he continued his goodbyes to longtime companions. Silently I knew he was wondering if he’d ever see them again.
He tried to joke about who would dare sit in his chair at the dining table. Through the years, he had been seated at a table of older men: an engineer, an insurance executive, a retail store manager, a transportation official.
The dining table had been their special place, like a childhood fort where friends gathered to make a little mischief. Over time, they had formed a support system for each other. Now their faces were strained as they fought back tears.
It was a tender scene that reminded me just how emotionally vulnerable older adults are when faced with life transitions.
At times it is necessary to move a loved one to a facility that provides more assistance or so that they can be closer to family. Even so, it’s important that families be sensitive to the emotional wallop of relocating elderly loved ones.
It’s easy to think that by handling the nitty-gritty details of packing and unpacking, you have somehow shielded them from all anguish and uncertainty. But the emotional toll is real, even if unspoken.
Several months ago, another elderly friend was hospitalized, followed by weeks of rehab. Eventually she was told she would not be able to return to her senior apartment. She would be moving into her daughter’s home, 70 miles away.
While she was still in rehab, her daughter lovingly boxed up every belonging and prepared for the move. But she couldn’t say her mother’s goodbyes for her. Not really.
For logistical reasons, my friend was unable to come back to see her tablemates and the wait staff who had lovingly served her. She wasn’t able to hug the housekeeper or the fellow residents who helped read her bingo cards. Sadly, it seemed an unfinished chapter of her long life.
In contrast, when Jewell’s family recently made the decision to move her to an assisted living center, they turned the occasion into a festive affair. They made their mom the guest of honor for a reception. She came dressed in her party best. They took photos of her with fellow residents and gave away cards with her new contact info.
Since the reception had been announced in advance, the residents had the opportunity to write special notes to their friend. Best of all, Jewell’s son promised to bring her back for regular visits, a pledge he is sure to keep. The family’s thoughtfulness made an easier transition for Jewell and for the other residents, too.
Not long after my elderly gentleman friend had settled into his new residence, I asked his former tablemates if they’d like to visit him. The group of men jumped at the chance, so off we went for an afternoon outing.
Our old friend took us on a tour of his new place. He proudly shared refreshments provided by the staff. He showed us his seat in the dining room and the route he takes for his daily walk. He candidly shared both the joys and the difficulties of his transition. Somehow just talking about it seemed to make all of us feel better.
Helping older adults navigate difficult life transitions is not a matter of convenience or expediency. It’s about trying to walk a mile in their orthopedic shoes.
To have important relationships suddenly snatched away is difficult at any age.
That’s the reason I continue to have lunch each week at my Mother’s former senior residence, even though she passed away in December. It reminds me just how important relationships are to older adults—and to me.
Ms. Buchanan, a member of FUMC Rockwall, Texas, is the author of Living with Purpose in a Worn Out Body (Upper Room Books).
Missy Buchanan
While she was still in rehab, her daughter lovingly boxed up every belonging and prepared for the move. But she couldn’t say her mother’s goodbyes for her. Not really. 
