Q&A: Softening divorce’s holiday pain Mary Jacobs, Nov 20, 2008
COURTESY PHOTO
Donna Hammell is pastor of caring ministries at Doylestown United Methodist Church in Doylestown, Pa.
Pastor Donna Hammell has witnessed the devastation of divorce at Doylestown UMC in Doylestown, Pa. As the church’s pastor of caring ministries, she has led DivorceCare groups at the church for more than seven years. The structured, 13-week program focuses on topics such as dealing with anger, finances and loneliness for the recently divorced.
During the holiday season, Ms. Hammell says, the pain of divorce and separation can be especially sharp. She spoke recently with staff writer Mary Jacobs about the practical advice that DivorceCare offers for dealing with divorce and separation during the holidays.
What are the factors making the holidays difficult for people who are grieving any kind of loss?
Finances are one issue. Divorced or widowed parents, or someone who just lost a job, may be feeling like bad parents because they can’t have the kind of extravagant celebration they may have had in the past.
If you’ve just moved due to a divorce or death, you’re going to be missing old church traditions. If you’ve lost a family member within the last year, even though the grief may not be fresh, the experience of Christmas without them will be.
People who are recently divorced or separated are grieving. I like to say that divorce is like death, but without the casseroles. You feel the same sense of grief, the disorientation and the abandonment.
What is it about the holidays that inspire sadness?
Look at the Madison Avenue image: everything’s beautiful, everybody’s perfect and whatever other falsehood ads promote. Nobody’s reality measures up to that.
Are there particular sources of sadness for people who have divorced or separated recently?
A big one is: Where do the kids go? How do you divvy up the children? These can involve all kinds of convoluted arrangements. And all the traditions, as a two-adult family, are no longer intact. So if I’ve got this empty stocking with Dad’s name on it, what do I do with it? If everybody always went to Grandma’s for Christmas dinner, well now only three out of the four go, and the fourth is home alone with McDonald’s take-home.
If there’s hostility, that’s really uncomfortable. The world is preaching peace on earth and these two people would love to eviscerate each other. There can be money issues too. If one parent is insecure, he or she may try to outspend the other.
How can the church support divorced people during the holidays?
One way is to provide a place to go during the holidays. At Thanksgiving, a group of single moms at our church have organized a dinner for folks who don’t have family plans. These moms are “alumni” of our DivorceCare program. The program focuses on healing and on moving forward, so the folks who participate tend to connect really well.
The first Christmas Eve service after we started DivorceCare, there were two rows of folks from the program and their families, and they all sat together. Our sanctuary had truly become a sanctuary for these folks. Some were from religious traditions that are more judgmental about divorce. But they knew that it was OK to come here, even if you were divorced. It was such a heartwarming sight for me. And now that’s become a tradition.
Are there any things “not to say” to people who will be grieving a breakup this holiday season?
Skip the “I know how you feel” line. Chances are, even if you’ve been divorced, you have no idea. If my divorce was a bloodless coup, yours may be a living nightmare. Instead say, “We’re with you” or “I support you” or “You’re in my prayers.” If you think it’s appropriate, ask the person, “Would you like to pray together?” It’s such a gift to have somebody pray for you in your presence.
What tips do you have for divorced people for surviving holidays?
It’s never going to be the same again, but it will be good again. The old traditions are going to be different. Your Christmas morning gift ritual will be different because one person is missing. So that ritual is going to have to adjust. You can create new rituals that are equally rich.
The constant reminder in Scripture is that God does not abandon us, no matter how far we’ve strayed from God. Some people following a divorce will re-discover their spirituality. Something awakens in them for the first time or reawakens. It’s wonderful to watch people blossom.
COURTESY PHOTO.jpg)
One way is to provide a place to go during the holidays. At Thanksgiving, a group of single moms at our church have organized a dinner for folks who don’t have family plans. These moms are “alumni” of our DivorceCare program. The program focuses on healing and on moving forward, so the folks who participate tend to connect really well.
 12-09.gif)